Such a pretty face

My attempt to document my adventure with lap band surgery and weight loss

EQUALIZED! July 6, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 9:21 PM
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So, I guess getting myself past the “I can’t do THAT” mentality was a good thing.  Tonight I walked six minutes, ran six minutes, walked six minutes.  This was a goal that I’d set for myself: equalizing my walking and running time.  I started this “I think I might be able to run if I try” bullshit on June 17.  I ran for an agonizing two minutes and thought it would be a year before I could run for more than three minutes.  Less than a month later, I blew that shit out of the water and couldn’t be happier. In fact, I was so excited that I didn’t do the rest of my workout.  Oops.  This whole being fat thing is getting old.  I have come so far, but still have a decent amount to lose.  It’s hard to see the end goal when it’ so fucking far away.  I kind of like how Chris Christie (New Jersey governor) puts it when talking about losing weight when it’s more than just wanting to look hot in your bikini before the next 12 days pass. He said that losing weight when you’re so heavy is like “throwing a couple deck chairs off the Titanic.”  Couldn’t agree more; it feels like you’re not making a dent, but eventually you’ll throw the last chair over.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s a pinprick but it’s getting bigger.

 

 

Crisis Averted…sorta June 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 7:43 PM

I’ve been suffering from a recent self-esteem crisis.  I had lap band surgery almost two years ago, lost 125 pounds or so, kept it off for a good amount of time. Then, in the last few months, I’ve packed some back on. (About 25 of it.)  And I’m not only disgusted with myself for it, but it’s this crazy self-fulfilling prophecy where I tell myself that I’m just not worth it, who cares, etc., and I keep going down, down, down.  Until I can’t go up, I can only seem to go sideways.  I literally asked myself out loud yesterday: “What’s going to do it? What’s going to get you out?”  The answer was: “Doing something I haven’t done yet that I believe I cannot do.”  So I went to the gym and RAN on the treadmill.  I have told myself for years and years, “I will never run.”  When I leisurely walk my 5K and 10K “races”, I laugh inside at all these psychos whizzing past me looking like they are hoping to impale themselves on a fence soon.  They look so fucking miserable!  Why would anyone do that to themselves, I would ask myself.  I think I might actually know why!!!  Holy shit.  It hurts so good!  Now before you go and get all worked up, I ran for…….wait for it…….TWO MINUTES.  Yes, that’s right.  Two whole fucking, agonizing minutes.  I walked for ten, ran for two, walked for ten.  That’s as good as it’s gonna get right now.  And that’s as good as it has to be.  I did something I’ve been telling myself for years was a no-go.  I’m wondering that if, now that I’ve broken the spell, if that’s what I needed to get over it.  I kinda hope so.

 

I ran on a treadmill.

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 7:36 PM

I ran on a treadmill.

I’m pretty sure this is what I looked like.

 

I RAN on a fucking treadmill!

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 7:33 PM

Enough said.

 

No more excuses June 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 7:52 PM

I’ve kept telling myself for weeks and weeks and weeks….as soon as school is out, I will get back on my exercise and eating plan. Well, guess what. School’s out.  Dammit.  I’ve started tracking my food in my journal again but haven’t been to the gym since I finished work earlier this week.  I spent two days, however, packing and moving boxes, as the school I’ve been teaching at for the last fifteen years is closing due to budget cuts.  I will be at a different school in the same district, and I am actually looking forward to the change and new adventure, but it’s been a backbreaker trying to get my classroom packed and moved.  It was emotionally difficult as well.  The last few minutes in my empty classroom were hard on me. Harder than I expected.  It just looked so sad and lifeless; the exact opposite of how it usually looks and feels.  But it’s time to move on.  I haven’t been minding my eating or my exercise for a bit.  The last several weeks of school were very stressful, with moving protocols changing daily and most of my coworkers emotionally on the edge, as I was.  It was hard for everybody, I think. I used the stress at work as an excuse to be a lazy slob once I got home.  No more.  I’ve set a goal of losing 20 pounds over the summer, which should be attainable for me if I work at it.  I’ve gained back some of the 125 pounds that I lost.  I’ve still kept  a net loss of over one hundred pounds, but I’m not happy with where I am right now.  I am back to my pre-surgery diet of protein drinks twice a day and a reasonable, high-protein dinner.  I am trying to stay at around 1,000 calories a day or less.  So far I’m doing great!  Oh, and it’s only day two.  I swore that after I lost 125 pounds I would NEVER put any of it back on, and I did.  Argh.  I can’t believe I let that happen. It’s really shameful for me. I’ve been neglecting everything.  Everything.  I am working on my master’s degree right now and my next class starts on Monday evening.  I must be careful not to use this class and all the homework as an excuse to not eat right or exercise.  It is easier in me for summer as far as exercise goes.  I have a more flexible schedule, and weather allows me to ride my bike and walk outside.  But I’m pretty disgusted with myself for letting some of this weight come back.  It’s gotta go.  Part of my renewed commitment is to update my blog more.  It does help me to be more aware of where I am emotionally and helps me to track how I’m doing.  I’ll be posting to the blog every week this summer; that is my commitment.  No more bullshit. No more excuses.

 

An overdue fill February 20, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 2:27 PM

So I went in for a fill last week. I hadn’t had one since last June and I think I was pretty overdue.  I actually started gaining weight right around the time I went back to work. I did well over the summer, but as soon as I had somewhere else to be for those other ten hours a day, I found it hard to fit the exercise into my schedule. And, I was TIRED.  I didn’t make any serious weight gains, though, until about Christmas time.  We got a brand new, gorgeous stainless gas range, and I was baking and cooking like a woman possessed.  I made (and ATE) a lot of things I shouldn’t have. And I just didn’t have the energy to fight myself on it.  And there was complacency.  I’d lost over a hundred pounds and I felt good. I wanted to stop paying SO much attention to what I was eating all the time. I wanted to just do (EAT) what I wanted to eat and damn the consequences.  Well, after a couple of months I got back on the scale and was alarmed at how much damage I had actually done.  I was dismayed and really disappointed in myself. I didn’t even want to go in for a fill because I was embarrassed to see the doctor.  Up until this point, I’d done really well, and I had always lost good weight each time I went in to see her.  But, knowing that I wasn’t doing well, I did make an appointment to see her.  I’m glad I did.  There was no scolding, just gentle advice on some food items to swap out of my diet.  One suggestion was to take out ALL bread, rice, and pasta and substitute beans.  I hardly ever eat beans, because I’m not crazy about them.  But the bread, rice and pasta has been sneaking its way back into my diet over the last few months, as my band was getting looser.  I was able to eat it again, and it tastes so effing good!!!!  I am a carb addict, there’s no doubt about that. I will take a bagel over a piece of chicken any day. So, I got a .3 fill and so far I haven’t noticed a difference, but I’ve been trying to get myself back to eating the bandster way.  Taking smaller bites, chewing more, not drinking with meals, etc.  I do have an appointment to go back in six weeks and I know my weight will be down, but I still think I’ll need another fill at that time. I want to start another downward trend and feel good about where I am when summer comes.  So, for those of you who are banded and have been afraid to go see the doctor because of weight gain, do NOT put it off.  Even if your doctor does scold you (I was lucky that mine didn’t…I think she knows that that’s not effective), you need to suck it up and go get your fill!  I am anxious to start down on the scale again.  I’ve also been bothered by pain in my foot.  I did have a cortisone shot in the heel last week, and I think it has helped somewhat, but the podiatrist told me no weight-bearing exercise for minimum three weeks.  Three weeks!!! There was a time in my life when I would have been thrilled to have a doctor tell me not to do weight-bearing exercise, but now it discourages me.  I can still do swimming, and if I go to the gym, I can do the stationary bike.  But I’m kind of an all-or-nothing kind of person.  I feel like, “well, i can’t do the elliptical, so I may as well not go.”  That’s bad thinking and I have to stop it.  Just because I can’t treadmill or do the elliptical, doesn’t mean that I can’t exercise.  There are other things I can be doing, including the weight lifting, especially with upper body.

I’ve lost track of my thoughts here, and I’m going all stream of consciousness!  Main idea of this post is: if you’re postponing a fill, don’t.  Go get it.

 

Gym Rats January 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — teachergirl70 @ 10:12 PM

Gym Rat

I’ll just say this right up front.  People are welcome to make fun of me as well.  (I’m sure they do)  Now that I’m back at the gym, along with all the other new years suckers, I can start making fun of people again.  Is there really any better place to watch and make fun of people than at the gym?  Okay, maybe at the bus stop. Okay, maybe LAX.  But, whatever.  So, here are the two gym rats I’m reporting on tonight.  The first one is Slam Man.  The second one is Mr. Hoodie.

  • First, let’s examine Slam Man.  Here’s his M.O.  He wears a dingy, sweaty tank top, the kind that has the enormous armholes. I could drive my car through there. For real. So, he goes around (I NEVER see him do any cardio.  This guy is all about the IRON) doing his ‘free weights’ and machines circuit.  Here’s the thing that drives me nuts.  So, he puts HUGE amounts of lead or whatever on these bars, and when he’s done he slams them down on the floor so hard, I start to think tectonic plates are moving.  I can KINDA understand it with the free weights/barbells.  But on the machines????  So, he’s the asshole that puts the leg press at like 400 pounds and then leaves it there, making sure that whoever uses it next realizes what a pansy they are.  And while he’s using it, every time he returns the weights down, he lets them slam (along with an accompanying groan).  Like, are you really working any harder by letting those things practically free fall?  No.  No, you are not.  So, STOP IT.
  • Mr. Hoodie.  (He’s my favorite) This is the guy that wears a black sweatshirt and keeps the hood up the whole time.  Even though I can see sweat pouring out of there and I know he’s having a heat stroke, he will not take that effing hood off.  Okay! Loud and clear!  You don’t want to talk to me!  Roger that.  Guess, what I don’t want to talk to you either.  Trust me.  But is it really necessary to go all Unabomber on the rowing machine?  It’s creepy.  Put that thing down. I promise I won’t talk to you.