An overdue fill February 20, 2012

So I went in for a fill last week. I hadn’t had one since last June and I think I was pretty overdue.  I actually started gaining weight right around the time I went back to work. I did well over the summer, but as soon as I had somewhere else to be for those other ten hours a day, I found it hard to fit the exercise into my schedule. And, I was TIRED.  I didn’t make any serious weight gains, though, until about Christmas time.  We got a brand new, gorgeous stainless gas range, and I was baking and cooking like a woman possessed.  I made (and ATE) a lot of things I shouldn’t have. And I just didn’t have the energy to fight myself on it.  And there was complacency.  I’d lost over a hundred pounds and I felt good. I wanted to stop paying SO much attention to what I was eating all the time. I wanted to just do (EAT) what I wanted to eat and damn the consequences.  Well, after a couple of months I got back on the scale and was alarmed at how much damage I had actually done.  I was dismayed and really disappointed in myself. I didn’t even want to go in for a fill because I was embarrassed to see the doctor.  Up until this point, I’d done really well, and I had always lost good weight each time I went in to see her.  But, knowing that I wasn’t doing well, I did make an appointment to see her.  I’m glad I did.  There was no scolding, just gentle advice on some food items to swap out of my diet.  One suggestion was to take out ALL bread, rice, and pasta and substitute beans.  I hardly ever eat beans, because I’m not crazy about them.  But the bread, rice and pasta has been sneaking its way back into my diet over the last few months, as my band was getting looser.  I was able to eat it again, and it tastes so effing good!!!!  I am a carb addict, there’s no doubt about that. I will take a bagel over a piece of chicken any day. So, I got a .3 fill and so far I haven’t noticed a difference, but I’ve been trying to get myself back to eating the bandster way.  Taking smaller bites, chewing more, not drinking with meals, etc.  I do have an appointment to go back in six weeks and I know my weight will be down, but I still think I’ll need another fill at that time. I want to start another downward trend and feel good about where I am when summer comes.  So, for those of you who are banded and have been afraid to go see the doctor because of weight gain, do NOT put it off.  Even if your doctor does scold you (I was lucky that mine didn’t…I think she knows that that’s not effective), you need to suck it up and go get your fill!  I am anxious to start down on the scale again.  I’ve also been bothered by pain in my foot.  I did have a cortisone shot in the heel last week, and I think it has helped somewhat, but the podiatrist told me no weight-bearing exercise for minimum three weeks.  Three weeks!!! There was a time in my life when I would have been thrilled to have a doctor tell me not to do weight-bearing exercise, but now it discourages me.  I can still do swimming, and if I go to the gym, I can do the stationary bike.  But I’m kind of an all-or-nothing kind of person.  I feel like, “well, i can’t do the elliptical, so I may as well not go.”  That’s bad thinking and I have to stop it.  Just because I can’t treadmill or do the elliptical, doesn’t mean that I can’t exercise.  There are other things I can be doing, including the weight lifting, especially with upper body.

I’ve lost track of my thoughts here, and I’m going all stream of consciousness!  Main idea of this post is: if you’re postponing a fill, don’t.  Go get it.

Gym Rats January 10, 2012

Gym Rat

I’ll just say this right up front.  People are welcome to make fun of me as well.  (I’m sure they do)  Now that I’m back at the gym, along with all the other new years suckers, I can start making fun of people again.  Is there really any better place to watch and make fun of people than at the gym?  Okay, maybe at the bus stop. Okay, maybe LAX.  But, whatever.  So, here are the two gym rats I’m reporting on tonight.  The first one is Slam Man.  The second one is Mr. Hoodie.

• First, let’s examine Slam Man.  Here’s his M.O.  He wears a dingy, sweaty tank top, the kind that has the enormous armholes. I could drive my car through there. For real. So, he goes around (I NEVER see him do any cardio.  This guy is all about the IRON) doing his ‘free weights’ and machines circuit.  Here’s the thing that drives me nuts.  So, he puts HUGE amounts of lead or whatever on these bars, and when he’s done he slams them down on the floor so hard, I start to think tectonic plates are moving.  I can KINDA understand it with the free weights/barbells.  But on the machines????  So, he’s the asshole that puts the leg press at like 400 pounds and then leaves it there, making sure that whoever uses it next realizes what a pansy they are.  And while he’s using it, every time he returns the weights down, he lets them slam (along with an accompanying groan).  Like, are you really working any harder by letting those things practically free fall?  No.  No, you are not.  So, STOP IT.
• Mr. Hoodie.  (He’s my favorite) This is the guy that wears a black sweatshirt and keeps the hood up the whole time.  Even though I can see sweat pouring out of there and I know he’s having a heat stroke, he will not take that effing hood off.  Okay! Loud and clear!  You don’t want to talk to me!  Roger that.  Guess, what I don’t want to talk to you either.  Trust me.  But is it really necessary to go all Unabomber on the rowing machine?  It’s creepy.  Put that thing down. I promise I won’t talk to you.

Can somebody please tell Nordstrom to knock it the hell off!!!!! January 6, 2012

Good Lord.

Looking for my motivation January 6, 2012

I think I found it.  Seriously. I think it was all cuddled up in my fat roll just underneath the side of my right boob.  GAWD!  I did go back to the gym tonight because this morning I had a scale disaster.  I was surprised at how much I had gained.  I knew it wasn’t good, but it was worse than I thought.  And, no…I am not giving out numbers at this time.  Numbers are arbitrary.  And embarrassing.  But I was pretty whacked when I saw how much damage I’d done in a fairly short amount of time. It doesn’t take long, people. So, I thought I’d start easy and do 15 minutes on the treadmill (I watched Wipeout while doing this because I find it amusing to watch people eat shit on an obstacle course while I’m suffering). After that, I did the routine of weights; arms, legs, butt cheeks, abs, etc.  I pretty much did those to fail. I had the weights set a little lower than I remember doing the last time I was at the gym, but I did reps until I thought I’d burst a vessel somewhere. (Also embarrassing, but, let’s face it…at this point, I don’t care)  Then I got on the treadmill and did 15 minutes at a 2 percent (I know!!!!!! Impressive, right???HAHAHA) incline while holding an 8 pound medicine ball.  Then I was DONE.  So, I feel good about getting back on the exercise.  I feel better.  I feel better when I’m there.  I feel better afterwards. The hard part is just getting my ass in the car and getting over there.  Once I’m there, I’m good to go.

I have told my husband that after this weight gain (which I totally deserve due to my behavior) that I’m getting back to eating like a bandster again.  For a little while, I’m going to do the protein drinks for breakfast and lunch and have a sensible dinner. I’m going to do this for just the rest of this month to kickstart myself.  Then slowly add back in solids at lunch and breakfast.  I also must be careful about the protein. I was somewhat alarmed to see how much hair I’ve been losing lately, and I think my protein deficiency is a huge part of the problem. Lots of beans, chicken, tuna and very few carbs is what I see in my future.  It’s funny, but I gained these pounds and I totally noticed it.  My clothes were tighter, I didn’t feel as good, I could see it a little in my face in a  photo.  Before, at my highest weight, a few pounds here or there didn’t make any difference.  I wore clothes that didn’t have snaps, buttons, zippers, etc.  I wore elastic, stretchy shapeless stuff.  But now that I do snaps, buttons, and zippers, damn!  A few pounds and I pay.  SNAP!

Time to get off my fat, lazy ass January 4, 2012

Dammit, dammit, dammit.  I have not lost any weight for a while (longer than I care to admit) and I’m pretty pissed off at myself.  Once I started back to work, I lost my momentum.  I haven’t lost any weight since October and it’s completely, utterly my fault.  I have not been tracking my food intake and exercise output.  I have not been separating food and drink.  I have not been drinking all the water I’m supposed to be.  I have not been getting in the required amount of protein. (That last one I know because I am losing hair again and that’s a sure sign that I’m protein-deficient).

When I first started this lap band weight loss journey back in July of 2010, I was sure I’d go, go, go. Guns blazing all the way to goal weight.  That was a nice thought.  I did really well, and right now, I’m not sure what my total weight loss is because I haven’t measured recently. I do have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I will be forced to look at the number. I know it won’t be good.  I already know that.  I’m just disappointed that I let myself fall off the wagon after having so much success! Why would I do that????  It makes no sense!  I’ve been living in a fantasy world, eating whatever I feel like eating, not going to the gym or the pool, not journaling my food. The more I don’t do that stuff, the more I don’t do that stuff.  I’m disappointed, but not to the point where I’ve given up or anything.  I know that I’m capable of seeing this through and getting my weight lower.  I think part of it is that I have felt so good for awhile.  I know I’m down more than 115 pounds from my highest weight ever, and that felt amazing…for a bit.  But I think what’s happened is that I became content at the new “low” weight because it was so great relative to where I was before. But now that I’ve been here for awhile, my body knows it needs to lose more.  I am recommitting myself to: keeping a current and accurate food journal, going to the gym, using my wii fit system, and going to the pool. I also want to get back to where I was doing one 5k or 10k per month. 

I am going to be so busy for awhile now. I work full time, but I’ve also started back to school for a Master’s degree in educational administration.  Those things, plus tending to my marriage and child and keeping on top of my health are going to push me to my limits, I think.  But it’s all for good, so I just need to keep reminding myself of that.  All of those things that I’ve been putting off are good for me!  Included in my return toward a more healthy lifestyle, I will be blogging more regularly.  It doesn’t take long for me to do it, and I know that it helps me to put my feelings into words where I can see them; where they can look back at me. So…no more baking yummy Christmastime treats!  No more laying on the couch all day!  Vacation’s over!

Hoping I haven’t lost my audience! October 14, 2011

I really am hoping I haven’t lost most of my audience, by not posting for so long.  I am a public school teacher and September and the first half of October are always kind of a nightmare.  In the first month, there’s just so much to do.  Assessments, getting to learn which parents are gonna like you and which ones are gonna hate you and think you’re the devil incarnate, deciding who needs to sit where…and on it goes.  In some ways I’m happier this year because I am a member of a pretty high-functioning and performing team and that feels good.  I like being able to work with someone that I like and respect and has a similar vision. That being said, I’ve never (in 15 years of teaching now) been so stressed out.  I mean to the max!!!  I have a very motley crew of students who are exceedingly challenging.  I am doing the best job that I can (in fact, I think I’m doing the best job that anyone could with what I’m faced with this year).  The teachers are suffering because of the lost school days.  Due to budget cuts, our school districts in the state have cut days off the school year, thus saving TONS of money BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE TO PAY US.  This sucks ass.  My paycheck is 360 dollars PER MONTH less than what I made last year.  AND I still have to do all the same work, and more.  Standards and expectations are raised every year, and the resources we have to do it with shrink every year.  And I hate it.  Today I felt like dropping my resume off at the bank on the way home.  For real.  Anyway, how does all this relate to my weight loss journey?  Oh, and you know what? I’m not gonna call it a ‘journey’ anymore. It’s really more of a…well, shit, I don’t know what it is, but journey just seems so damn corny.  It’s my weight loss adventure?  experience? rollercoaster through the pits of hell?  Whatever.

Recently, I took part in a Biggest Loser competition with a pretty large group of people that I know from work.  It was 12 weeks.  I did pretty well. I ended up coming in third which was respectable but not where I wanted to be.  I’m so jealous of the bitch that came in first.  She kicked ASS!  I was hoping to also, but I kinda just kicked kneecap or something else less exciting than an ass.  Anyhow, I did pretty well and since the final weigh in  (which was last Saturday) I’ve gained four frickin’ pounds.  GOD.  I kind of went on a candy and Mexican food bender.  I really don’t know why, but I could guess that I was just glad to not have to weigh myself the next morning, and decided to just let it go for a few days.  I can do a LOT of damage in a short amount of time with my weight.  Takes a long time to come off, and comes back on if I just LOOK at a Twinkie.  Anyway, I’m starting the next round on Sunday and hoping to lose some more.  When I am under stress, my eating patterns change.  I’ve discovered that when I’m sort of mildly bummed out, I will eat like a woman possessed.  Pretty much whatever’s around, especially if it’s particularly sweet or salty.  I will do a lot of mindless, boredom eating when I’m feeling kind of blue.  I have also discovered that when I am severely depressed (as I was during the middle part of the biggest loser competition) I will not eat.  For about a month, I had no appetite whatsoever.  The bulk of the weight I lost during the competition was in that window.  I was so depressed that I had no interest in food.  Now, for me to be disinterested in food…..that IS a crisis, indeed.  And it was a crisis.  A family crisis.  We are still working on it, and I don’t know what the future holds and that’s very stressful.  But I am not in the throes of despair that I was six weeks ago.  The important thing that I’ve learned is that my mental and emotional state is critically important when it comes to the choices I make regarding food.  Being aware of this will only help me.  I just have to pay attention.  I also stopped journaling then because I wasn’t really eating.  So there wasn’t much point because there was nothing to write down anyway.  I do know that I’m still suffering from the stress.  I can see it in other ways.  For example, my hair is coming out at kind of an alarming rate right now.  This scares the absolute shit out of me.  I think I lost a bunch of hair a couple months after my surgery, but then that stopped and I haven’t thought about it until recently, when I was alarmed by the amount of hair on my comb.  I need to be more careful about getting the amount of protein that my body needs and I need to remember to take the vitamins.

I am sorry to have gone so long without posting anything here.  I know that I have a few people that look forward to seeing what I’m saying, and are disappointed when there’s nothing new.  There are a few blogs that I follow and I’m always bummed when I go to look for a new post and it’s one I’ve read already.  So, I’m going to attempt to keep more up to date on the thing.  When I went through the rough patch recently, I just lost interest in everything, not just blogging or food.  I just couldn’t care about anything.  I think it was REAL depression.  I’m still struggling and trying to remain positive and cheerful, but some days, I will admit, I’m just faking it.  Full of bullshit.  I don’t like it when people know that I’m unhappy or depressed, or feeling insecure.  I feel like people judge me and I just want to look strong, healthy, and happy all the time.  So right now I’m faking it.  But I think I’ve been doing a decent job.  But eventually, something has to give…

One year come and gone, gone, gone July 19, 2011

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like writing about my weight loss.  These days, I prefer to be out and about and doing something that I couldn’t do a year ago.

I am hoping that this post will be helpful to someone who is considering lap band surgery or has recently had it.  In the early days, it can be easy to be discouraged and scared and I just want to assure anyone who has those feelings that it IS worth it.  Yes, there are some scary times.  Being wheeled into the operating room was the number one scary part for me. Oh, and also the first ‘stuck’ episode I ever experienced.  Yes, what you hear is correct. It does feel like you’re having a heart attack.  But the good news is… you’re not!  After a year since my surgery date has come and gone, I feel amazing.  I feel like I can do anything I want to do.  Every tear has been worth it.  Every piece of chicken stuck in my esophagaggle has been worth it.  Every bucket of sweat has been worth it.  And every moment of self-doubt has been worth it. (And I’m still stuck on that self-doubt thing.  Not sure when that will go away.  Maybe more about that later.)

My advice to new bandsters and people considering the surgery:  you will not regret it.  The weight loss is not effortless, however.  Do not go into this thinking that your new little implanted friend will do the work for you.  That’s bullshit.  And some people really think that; that the band will lose the weight for them.  I have seen and talked with some of these people and I just want to punch them right in the face.  Seriously.  I don’t know how some of these people get past the psych screening.  I have come across people, too, who have had the balls to tell me that I took the “easy way out”.  Surgery is never the easy way out.  When people say stuff like that to me, I really work hard to suppress my violent tendencies.  For real.  I try to take the attitude that I need to educate these morons.  But that would require me being nice to them, so…no.  Let them think whatever they want to think.  I know the truth and the truth is that I have literally worked my ass off over the last year.

Let’s see, what else…Oh yeah.  I think I’ve said this before, and I feel somewhat like a hypocrite saying it because I still struggle with it.  Please do not let the plateaus (I like to call them four weeks of bullshit) discourage you too much.  I say “too much” because it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to be discouraged when you stop losing for a while.  You will hit those effing plateaus, and you’re just going to have to deal with it.  My advice, however, is not to deal with it by eating your favorite ice cream.  I tried that.  It didn’t help.  I also tried dealing with it by being mean  and cranky with people around me.  Um, yeah. That doesn’t work either.  It just makes them hate you, which makes you more miserable.  Advice for dealing with plateaus?  BIGGER PICTURE.  The weight will come off.  You must RELAX.  I have a wii fit plus, and I do use it to track my weight.  When I look at the graph over the last year, there is a pretty steep downward trend.  But guess what.  There are some segments of that line graph that are completely flat, or even (God forbid!!!!!!) go up.  But the point is to ignore those little upticks and stay focused on the month to month graph, not the day-to-day graph.  Trust me.  You can drive yourself completely INSANE by weighing yourself every day and getting pissed about a gain when you just sweat your ass off at the gym the night before.  How do I know, you ask?  Well, duh.  Larger picture.  Larger picture.  Larger picture.

The only other thing I want to add is my most recent NSV.  I went to Disneyland with my husband and son and had the time of my life.  I did not have to worry about:

• running out of energy
• not fitting on the rides
• people staring at me
• feeling like an embarrassment to my family
• what I looked like
• wearing a swimsuit in a public place, for cryin’ out loud

I worried about none of this.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I worried the first day about fitting on the rides. (f.y.i. I had no problem whatsoever.  Plenty of room to spare.  You could have even sat next to me if you wanted to)   This is because I’ve spent so many years of my life worrying about crap like that.  Like, “let’s go to Red Robin for dinner, everyone!”  And on the inside, I’m thinking…..fine, whatever. But we have to sit at a table because I can’t fit into those skinny ass booths at Red Fucking Robin.  So, I worry when the hostess asks, “Table or booth?” that I have to ask for a table, and everyone else is going to wonder why because, well, booths are so much more comfortable.  Right?  It’s amazing how worrying about stuff like that will ruin your life.  It zaps the fun right out of everything you want to do, makes you cranky and it’s depressing as hell. People who are obese know what I am talking about.  And people who have never had weight issues are probably thinking, “Wow.  It never would have occurred to me that some people have to worry about things like that.”   I still am shocked at how I can look now at a restaurant booth and think, “Yeah, right.  My fanny is NOT going in there.”  But you know what?  It does. And that feels good.

Ten random thoughts June 1, 2011

My adorable new bike. Such freedom!

1.  My brain is not keeping up with my body.  My body is changing so quickly and my brain doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with it.  Example:  I KNOW that I have lost almost 100 pounds in 13 months.  I know that.  It’s a fact.  Yet, when I look in the mirror, what I’m seeing doesn’t look all that different from how I’ve always looked to myself.  I CAN see the changes when I look at photos, but not when I look in the mirror.  Weird?  Yes.  But I think it may not be all that unusual for people who go through a pretty life-changing weight loss in a relatively short amount of time.  Hmm.  Maybe I need a shrink?

2.  Someone asked me the other day what my “goal weight” is.  I told her that I don’t have one.  My wii says I should weight 145 pounds. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Now that I’ve recovered from the maniacal laughter, I can say…that. is. stupid.  I will NOT get to 145 pounds.  When I think back to when I felt good, looked good, I weighed about 165 and that was good for me.  But like I said, I don’t have  a “goal weight”, as in a number.  My goal is this:  to be at the point where my overweightness does not prevent me from doing anything that I want to do.  In other words, when my body will do whatever it is that I want it to do, with no problems, then I’ll know I’m at a good spot.  Might be 160.  Might be 180.  Whatever.

I3.  I am floppy.  So, if I had to choose between being morbidly obese or having loose floppy skin, I would definitely choose the flopping.  That said, I don’t like it.  It’s not as bad as having that skin filled out with excess weight and fat, but it’s quite…unattractive.  I am definitely flopping around in places that I never did before. On the one hand, that’s a good thing because it means I’ve lost a LOT of weight.  On the other side of that coin, it’s disturbing and I’m quite self-conscious about it.  But it’s better than the alternative…so what are you gonna do?

4.  It’s not a compliment to come up to me now and tell me how I look so pretty, they “can’t believe it”.  I KNOW they mean well, but  I hear “You used to be so ugly.  I can’t believe it’s you.”  I know this is MY thing, and I need to just accept compliments when comments are intended as compliments.  But, this is partly why I titled my blog the way I did. I’ve had people my whole life tell me “what a pretty face you have”….Translation- if you would lose weight, you would actually be pleasant to look at.  I know this is NOT how people mean for me to spin it, but that’s what my brain does when I hear those dreaded words.  So, don’t tell me I’m so pretty now.  Just tell me I look healthy and happy.  That’ll do.  (this is NOT directed at any particular person…well, maybe it is but she doesn’t read my blog) 

5.  I am somewhat of an adrenaline junkie.  I think I’ve always been, but my physical limitations held me back from things I wanted to do.  I am going to Disneyland with my family in a few weeks and I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  I know, I know.  Disneyland isn’t exactly hard core extreme adrenaline junkie land, but there are some rides (especially at California Adventure) that I’m looking forward to experiencing.  I haven’t had the desire, interest, or funds in the last several years to do something like this.  But right now, our son is the perfect age to have an amazing time there, and we’re doing it!  This desire for adventure helps to keep me motivated.  My body is not yet at the point where I can do whatever I want.  But I sure can do a lot more.

6.  Walking up hills makes my hips sore.

7.  I’m constantly comparing myself to other overweight people.  This kind of goes back to my idea that I need a shrink.  (see random thought numero uno)  The other day, I was with my husband and son at a Wendy’s.  (I know.  Shut up. I had a microscopic, low quality salad)  This woman and man came in together.  The woman was very heavy.  I found myself looking at her, looking at what she was wearing, looking at her ankle size, looking at her gut and wondering…am I that size?  Am I  bigger than her?  Am I smaller than her?  Am I the same as her?  I truly, genuinely, sincerely, honestly cannot tell.  I think I have a kind of skewed image of what I look like.  So, at the risk of being REALLY annoying, I asked my husband, “Can you see her?  Am I bigger?  Am I smaller?  I want THE TRUTH.  I can handle the truth.”  He was very clever and turned around in an inconspicuous way and then turned back to me.  “She’s WAY bigger than you,”  he said.  I don’t want to annoy my family or friends by asking this question whenever I see a fat person.  That would be very irritating, I’m sure.  But sometimes I just can’t tell, and I need help with it.  Sorry.  If I ever ask you these types of questions when I’m with you, I’m apologizing in advance right now.  Just put up with me, please?

8.  The regular sized t-shirts at the 5K’s and 10K’s that I’m doing regularly actually fit me.  I mean, yeah, I’m an extra large, but I’m cool with that.  Very cool with that.

9.  Riding my new bike makes my ass hurt.  ( I LOVE my new bike, it’s AMAZING! Sore ass and all)

10.  I have a second birthday now.  It’s July 2, the day I had lap band surgery and started my new life.

 

 

My butt fits quite nicely in a playground tube slide, thank you very much. May 5, 2011

My victory slide. My fourth grade students think I'm the bomb! (The only teacher who took the plunge...it's over two stories tall)

I’ve been a blog neglect-er.  That’s because I’ve been so busy exercising my ass off. (Oh, and living my life)  I’ve had some eye-opening non scale victories in the last few weeks.  Here’s one of my favorites:  I went on a field trip with my class and this year I was able to climb all over the giant play structure like a monkey, and yes, go down the two-story tube slide.  I had a blast!  I screamed my head off all the way down and enjoyed every second of it.  I’ve been to this particular site many times before and always just enjoyed watching the children play.  I never participated in the play myself.  I couldn’t climb or fit in that structure.  And I definitely would not have attempted to go down that tube slide a year ago.  No effing way.  I am realizing just how much of life I’ve been missing.  I’ve continued my workouts at the gym, laying off the pool a little.  I always hear how important it is to vary your routine to get the maximum benefits so I am trying to stay out of the ruts.  I do enjoy going to the gym.  ONCE I GET THERE.  (That’s important, because BEFORE I go, I am not excited about going.  I dread it.  But I always feel better once I’m there.  ( The hard part for me is just getting my butt over there.)  It’s just a little gym in Canby, no big deal.  Most of the members are pretty low-key; there are not a lot of knuckle dragging, armpit staining moaners, showing off how much MORE they can lift than you can.  That being said, there is this one guy…

At first, he really bugged me.  But I’ve made a conscious decision to just get a kick out of him instead.  He always wears those gross tank tops, the ones with the ginormous arm holes so you can see all his muscles in there.  Fabulous. And he makes a racket!!!  I swear, on Sunday night, he sounded like he was giving birth to a colt on the yoga mat.  GAWD!  The lady next to me on the treadmill seemed to think it was funny, too.  It wasn’t just me and my twisted sense of humor.  It was hers, too.

Leaner, meaner me (If you want to read a fun, humorous post…skip this one) March 31, 2011

 

Who am I?

 

 

I am leaner.  “Er.”  I am NOT lean.  I am “lean-ER” than I was six months ago.  In my attempt to avoid frustration with the scale, I am really trying to focus on the changes in my body and not so much the (sometimes) random numbers on the scale.  My weight loss has slowed considerably, but I don’t believe my fat loss has.  I haven’t had a body composition test done for a while, so I don’t really have any proof of this, other than just the way I feel and the way my clothes fit.  But that’s good enough for me.  My best friend has three of my skirts right now, (she’s a fabulous seamstress!) with instructions to take out EIGHT inches from the waists.  Um…that’s a LOT!   Anyway, getting to the title of this post.  I hope I don’t alienate anyone with this, but it’s the truth and I feel like I must tell it.  To what end, I’m not really sure.  I have these feelings that I don’t know what to do with so I’m just going to blab about it.  Maybe that will help?

I was looking at my favorite website (theonion.com) lately and browsing their online store.  They actually sell a T-shirt that says, “I wish somebody would do something about how fat I am.”  I laughed out loud when I saw it, but than I got to thinking…

I have lost a significant amount of weight, and although I have a long journey still ahead of me, I feel terrific right now.  At my very heaviest weight, I was 414 pounds.  Yes, that’s correct.  And there’s nothing I can do about the fact that I just published that.  OH.  WELL.  It was what it was. I am now in the 200′s and I feel amazing.  Here’s the rub: I have mean thoughts about obese people.  Well, maybe not mean.  But impatient.  That’s it.  I have impatient thoughts about obese people.  I guess I think I’m “all that and a bag of chips” now that I’ve lost weight.  But I’m not.  I am not a different person than the one who weighed 414 pounds.  But maybe I am?  I feel different.  I look different.  And most importantly, I think different.  What is happening to my brain?  I see people who are really overweight, and now I just think, “Why don’t they DO something???”   And I think it’s wrong for me to feel that way.  Well, not wrong.  I believe that feelings are neither right nor wrong.  They are what they are.  It’s what you DO with those feelings that is right or wrong.  So I have these feelings.  I get impatient and bothered when I see people who are obese and they are downing a giant coffee cake and a Venti Mocha with whip. Sometimes I want to shake them, and say, “Look what you are doing to yourself! Stop it!”  But it’s not my place.  And it’s not my right.  I don’t want to become some crazed narcissist.  I hope that the fact that I am addressing these crazy and uncomfortable feelings is a step in the right direction.  On the one hand, you’d think I’d be more empathetic when I see someone who is obese.  Why am I not feeling sympathy?  Or empathy?  Maybe THEY are not unhappy!  Just because someone is fat, doesn’t mean they are not happy.  I tell myself that, but I have such a hard time believing it.  I’ve sort of lost track of where I am going with this.  That’s because I don’t think I ever knew where I was going with it.  I just don’t like some of these feelings that are floating around in my head.  I want to be positive.  I want to be kind.  I want to be empathetic.  I want to be me.  But lately, I’m not sure who “me” is.